Archive for June, 2008

Odd ways to go the way of the buffulo

We all die. It’s a fact. Most people die, excuse my crudeness, in boring ways. The number one killer in North America is heart disease at a whopping 28.5 percent. Closely behind is cancer at 22.8 and stroke is a distant third at 6.7 percent. Basically, the top 15 leading causes of death contain 11 that are related to disease. The other 4 are not health-related. We have homicide at a lowly 0.7, suicide at 1.3, accidents at 4.1, and finally the “other” category at 17.4 percent.

What is this ‘other’ cause of death? I think I may have found out. How would you like to live your life and randomly die by some ridiculous way? On the other hand, dying of a disease is sad/boring/lame/not interesting and it’s something you can’t control. Let me show you some examples of preposterous ways of kicking the bucket, or more specifically, tripping over the bucket and dying.

She was no Houdini.

This woman from New York, Carol Gotbaum, died trying to escape from police. No, she didn’t get shot down in a desperate escape. No, she didn’t careen off the highway on a high speed chase. She died by strangling herself trying to escape out of handcuffs.

The worst kind of afterglow.

In 2007, an unlucky cab driver found two bodies. One of a man and another of a woman, both attire-less and dead at a base a 50 story building in Columbia, South Carolina. Apparently the authorities found their clothing and identification at the top of the building. They died while having sex


Or this? You choose.

 The girl on the right chose the latter.

The girl on the right, Jennifer Strange, died of water intoxication during a “Hold Your Wee for a Wii” contest in Sacramento, California. Can we say that the Wii is boring after 20 minutes and is only fun when you’re drunk. Oh…one more thing, she came in second. If you’re going to die for a Wii, you better well come in first place.

Every nerd’s worst nightmare.

A 28-year-old Korean named Lee Seung Seop, (p.s. I am so ashamed. Way to represent my race, man), died in an Internet cafe after playing 50 straight hours of Star Craft.

Bears are not your friend, they will eat your face.

You might have heard this guy, Timothy Treadwell, the subject of that documentary, ‘Grizzly Man.’  He lived with Grizzly bears in Alaska for 13 summers and one day, he was half-eaten by one while another ate his girlfriend. I used to live in Alaska, bears will eat you and they don’t want to be your friend. Period.  

Note to self: Don’t use a real bomb when threatening yourself.

Brian Wells, rigged himself with a bomb around his neck and proceeded to rob a bank. This pizza deliveryman hatched the grandest of schemes that would make a heist in Ocean’s 11 seem tame. He would tell people that someone told him to rob a bank or the bomb around his neck would go off if he didn’t. Well, Brian forgot that he inadvertently made a real bomb and it went off. Thanks Brian, you still make people smile, four years later.

Would you hurl yourself at a window 24 stories high? I think not.

Canadian attorney Garry Hoy in Toronto wanted to show a group of potential lawyers how unbreakable the windows of the Toronto-Dominion Bank Tower were by hurling himself at them. After two demonstrations and 24 stories later, Mr. Hoy met the ground.

Deadly? Yes.

 Scarves + Dancers + Cars = Death

Isadora Duncan is a legendary dancer, but in 1927, she got herself into an ultimate fight against a car wheel. While riding in an automobile in Nice, France, her long silk scarf got caught in the wheel and dragged her until she died before the driver realized she had fallen off. Moral of the story? Don’t wear fashionable silk scarves in an open top car.

Not wearing coats in cold weather is still cool right?

My dad is actually a descendant from ninth president of the United States, William Henry Harrison. The lame thing about him is that he died one month into his term. The even lamer thing about his death is that he died because he didn’t wear a coat during in inageral speach. He died a month later of pneumonia.

The Instrument of Death.

This guy was defeated by the weakest of man-made objects.

You would think because of the picture I showed of nose spray that this guy must have bit the bullet in a very cool way. Not at all. While using his nose spray in his New York Hotel room in 1983, the nose spray lid fell down his throat and he choked to death, alone. You live your life and it culminates to a battle with a piece of plastic. Sad.

Well, I hope this post was informative, educational and entertaining. Whether your cause of death is caused by holding in your pee in a ludicrous contest or succumbing to the wills of a bottle lid, I trust that you will take a moment to see how death is eminent. I’m not trying to be morbid or morose in any way, I just want to point out that there is a 17.1 percent chance of dying in the ‘other’ category, which can make you famous posthumously. I mean really, why not go out with a bang like this guy…

When you’re 73, you have nothing to lose. Right?

Karl Wallenda, the patriarch of the circus act, ‘the Flying Wallendas’ was trying to maintain his balance on a high wire at the ripe age of 73 in San Juan, Puerto Rico. This video snapshot was the last recording Karl would ever be on. Instead of living out his golden years in a retirement home to eventually succumb to the 50 percent chance of dying from either a stroke or heart attack, Karl went the brave, more infamous 17.1 percent ‘other’ death category. Way to be Karl. You are remembered.

Save Water, Change the World

The world is preoccupied by oil. Little do we know that a larger problem looms: the growing worldwide water crisis. We need water to live, but we don’t need oil to live. However, a study by the UN foresees a global water crisis in which two-thirds of the world will have a serious lack of access to drinkable water. That’s about 4 billion people!

The United States is the biggest water waster in the world. Guess who is next? Canada. Little do you know that Canada also doubles the water consumption of all of Europe. I am starting an initiative with a handful of friends who see this issue as a thing that needs immediate attention. We are called WaterDrop.

Did you know that the average person uses approximately 330 litres of water a day. You don’t believe me? I’ll give you some examples.

A 5-minute shower with a standard shower head uses 100 litres of water.

A single lawn sprinkler spraying 19 litres per minute uses more water in just one hour than a combination of ten toilet flushes, two 5-minute showers, two dishwasher loads, and a full load of clothes.

How much water is used to flush a toilet? About 2 to 7 gallons, or 8 to 28 litres, depending on the type of toilet.

If you leave the faucet on while brushing your teeth: 8 to 12 litres.

Using an automatic dishwasher: 36 to 48 litres. If you hand wash, usually people use about 80 litres.

Now do you see how much water we use and how much we waste when The average person in the developing world uses 10 litres of water every day for their drinking, washing and cooking. That’s about how much we use to brush our teeth.

I could keep giving you all these facts, but if you’re interested, you can check out and become a fan on Facebook! Come on, we all use water, why not save a little bit for your fellow man.

A rug or an island? You decide.

How would you like to wipe your feet on 4.45 million dollars worth of thread? Apparently, in an auction, a Persian rug (formerly owned by a tobacco Duchess who probably owned cats and lived alone) from the 16th or 17th century, sold for 4.45 million dollars. It’s 7 by 5 feet long; that brings the cost of each square inch to $729.87. 46 square inches of this rug would sustain me and more for an entire year.

Do you know how many problems this rug would solve if I had it? Just one: Llss dirt on my shoes.

I would love to meet the imbecile who purchased this rug. Why don’t you get something cool like a Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton for your solarium or an island in the Caribbean. Sadly, I’ve lost all respect for this person who would invest this much money into a buddle of 300 year old thread. The island is about a million dollars cheaper! We live in a sad world when the average yearly gross income of 148.5 individuals is spent on a dirt collector.

Kirsten Hubbard, a travel expert from said islands are affordable, ranging from 400,000 dollars into the millions. She said that “a sixty-five acre Isla Paradita in Panama sells for $3.7 million, and boasts four miles of coastline, comfortably appointed guest cottages, pre-Colombian stonewalls remaining from the original indigenous inhabitants, forested pathways, and paradisaical preserved waters.”

A rug or a private tropical island all to yourself? 

Islands and dinosaur skeletons are cool. A rug is not cool. Period. The buyer wanted to remain anonymous. No wonder, because that person will be ridiculed of by everyone (except for rug collectors/lovers and people who own cats) for the rest of their life. That person is now known as “the douche bag who bought a rug instead of an island.”

You can read the news article here.

Bikes, Beer and Mayhem

Drinking and driving has not been cool since, well…forever.



Way to represent America in Mexico, douche bag.

Read the news article here

Over-Sanitized Nation

Cough, wheeze, sigh, sniff and sneeze. Being sick is awful. The only great thing about being ill is calling in sick to work (or school) to stay home and watch 1980’s John Cusack while eating chicken noodle soup. After the second day of being sick, the luster wears off. By the third day, it’s time to get back to life and quit breeding things that only Preparation H can kill.

I just read an article where British scientists claim that using antibacterial wipes actually spread “superbugs” because overuse of them may allow germs to become immune. Side note: when did “superbugs” become a term used in national news about medical issues? I mean really, what is a superbug? I picture this…

Imagine this sucker eating away at your bone marrow and white blood cells.

Any ways, onto my observation. Are we becoming over-sanitized? I am no bio-molecular scientist, but are we cleansing our-selves to the point where our bodies can’t even decide what is bad or good? That is what an immune system is, according to the New English Dictionary. Immunity: the condition that permits either natural or acquired resistance to disease. Immunity is built in and can be acquired, kind of like chicken pox. You get it once and it goes away. Too bad cancer or hepatitis C wasn’t like that.

From an AP Article, a microbiologist named Gareth Williams said that “we found that the most effective way to prevent the risk of MRSA (methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus a.k.a. a nasty mofo that can cause boils and infections in the lungs and bloodstreams) spread in hospital wards is to ensure the (antibacterial) wipe is used only once on one surface. Total side note, BOILS??? Didn’t those only happen in the Bible?

Basically, the less antibacterial wipes you use, the more germs you kill. The germs can do what we do, build up immunities. Those are smart suckers. I’m not a germ-o-phobe, but I have no love of germs. Nothing annoys me more than a guy who uses the urinal, molests the door handle, than walks straight out the door. Classy.

Because of this article I guess I’ll wash my hands less and not use wipes. I’m kidding, wash your hands, it’s just gross.

You can read the whole article here.

The Fountain of Fame

We all age. It’s a natural process for most of us. However, I think if you’re famous, you don’t age. Well, at least they age a lot slower than regular humanity. Think about it this way; remember when you haven’t seen a friend in a few years and than most of the time you say “wow, they’ve changed a lot,” but when it comes to being famous, I believe they age slower or get a lot of help doing it.

Here’s a few examples of pictures of some famous movie stars. One picture is at least ten years old or more and the newest picture is less than two years old.

Indiana never agesstill tickin\'

Harrison Ford circa 1984 and again in 2008.

Look at Harrison Ford. Yes, we all know he is older now, but he’s 65 and 6 years younger than one of my grandfathers. Harrison Ford does not look like a grandpa. The reason I point this out is that I think the reason why famous people stay famous is because they have faces that don’t age. The reason Harrison can play Indiana Jones at 65 is that he actually looks 45. If he looked like a real 65 year-old, he’d be carying Bengay and some earl grey tea in his satchel with a walking cane instead of a whip. None of us would go see a senior citizen punching bad guys and swinging from crate-to-car with a bull whip.

Julia Roberts still has banana lips; even 15 years later.

Julia Roberts, a prime example of someone who never ages. I have friends that age more in 3 years than this woman. Do famous people just age more gracefully or do they have a lot of plastic help? There’s no way to tell, but the reason we go see movies for particular actors year in and year out is because we recognize them easily.

Tom Hanks: Still pasty and slightly doughy in 1998 as he is now.

Who remembers Joe Vs. the Volcano? I do. Terrible movie. However, it was made in 1990, almost 18 years ago. Mr. Hanks was 34 at the time. He’s now 51, three years younger than my dad. That’s old. Tom Hanks is by far no Brad Pitt, but he has that ‘everyman’ look about him. I don’t know how they do it, but he still plays characters that are 30ish to 40ish. If he actually played 51 year old characters, he wouldn’t be believable.

Jim Carrey: Rubber faces don’t age

Take Jim Carrey. He’s 46-years-old. Five years younger than Tom Hanks. We can all agree that he doesn’t look 46. So this begs the question: how do they stay young or keep looking young? I don’t know and I’m not going to try and find out, but we don’t go to movies to see old people. I mean how many people went to see the Bucket List? Exactly.

Sharon Stone: In 1998, she believed that earthquakes are the result of bad karma. In 2008, nothing has changed, even the way she looks.

Robert Deniro: 65-years old. I wish he would do more mobster movies. Oh wait, no I don’t.

Sean Connery: This man was born 77-years-old. The first picture was taken in 1989. The next one is almost 20 years later.

The reason I wrote this blog is because I just went to see Indiana Jones and the Lamest Title Ever. I would not have gone if he was actually playing a 65-year-old. It would be Indiana Jones and the Last Retirement. In reality, we all go because Indiana Jones is ageless and timeless. We don’t like to see heroes age; thus, the actors who play them don’t age either.

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